Evangelicals Select New Anthem

Colorado Springs, CO. — In what many call a long-overdue move, Evangelical Christian leaders have selected a new anthem for their movement. Previous Evangelical anthems have included “Breathe,” “Shout to the Lord,” and “Sing Your Praise to the Lord.” 

In a statement released to the press, a spokesman stated, “Our previous song, ‘Blessed Be Your Name,’ no longer expressed the overall upbeat attitude and soteriological assurance we want as the hallmark of our movement. We decided it was time for a change.” 

The song the leaders selected for their new anthem is a reworked version of the classic children’s hymn, “Jesus Loves me,” titled, “Jesus Love Me More Than You.” 

“We know that for almost 2000 years, God wasn’t happy with the way his people were handling His Word, The Holy Bible,” the spokesman continued. “He was waiting for us [Evangelicals] to come out with the New International Version of the Bible and all of its accompanying study helps and devotional guides. By selecting ‘Jesus Loves Me More Than You’ and requiring it to be played at every Evangelical church service and summer conference for the next two years, we can assure ourselves that the world never forgets how much it owes us.”

The Authorized Recording of the song is scheduled to take place within the next month, with the upcoming single saturating the Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) radio market immediately thereafter. In keeping with tradition, the recording will we produced by Steve Taylor and sung by Michael W. Smith, who will then be credited by acclimation with the writing of the song. 

“Jesus Loves Me More Than You” will have its world premiere at the Saddleback Church in California. 

****If for some reason you’re still reading this, let me assure you that this is a completely fake news story. I made up the whole thing. It isn’t happening. Don’t try to call anyone and complain about it, as they will have no idea what you’re talking about.****


One Response to “Evangelicals Select New Anthem”

  1. Erin Says:

    This is so very The Onion…

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