Archive for October, 2009

Scientists Grapple With Zombie Apocalypse

October 15, 2009

Evans City, PA–A panel of scientists from around the world will convene the first in a series of meetings in rural Pennsylvania this weekend, with the purpose of addressing what they call “the great looming crisis” facing the future of the world.

“The reason we are getting together,” group spokesman Dr. James Foster explained, “is to discuss what we have termed the ‘population event horizon’ in the coming zombie apocalypse, and to find a solution before it’s too late.”

The building blocks of zombie-population theory lie in the exponential nature of zombie replication. That is, whenever a zombie devours the brains of a human (the only viable zombie food source), that now-undead human becomes a zombie him- or herself, and there would then be two zombies where before there was only one. When those two zombies get hungry, they will then eat the brains of two more humans, and the resultant four zombies will soon need to eat again, and the cycle repeats, doubling in number each time.

“Even the most conservative estimates show that within five years,” Dr. Millard Rausch said, “the zombie population will have completely overrun the Earth and totally exhausted its food supply. And remember, those are the conservative estimates. When this ‘zombie population even horizon’ breaks, what will those billions of zombies eat? This is literally the greatest problem facing the post-human world.

“As we have known for years already,” Rausch continued, “zombie intelligence degrades significantly from one generation to the next. We simply can’t hope for the zombies to save themselves. We need to save them, and the time is now. Their future, of course, is our future, too.”

One of the topics for discussion at the meetings will be re-engineering zombie metabolism to tolerate a necrotic vegetarian diet. The extant research in this field remains scant, however, leaving such unanswered questions such as the effect of vegetarianism on zombie hunter-gatherer psychology, and the potential ethical quandary of zombie plant-“life”.

Another proposed solution involves the creation of “human farms” to harbor a sustainable human food population. Opponents of this option point out, however, that it presupposes the persistence a so-called “husbandry class” to maintain the farms, consisting of either human volunteers or domesticated zombies with the requisite intelligence to operate the farms.

The human volunteer possibility is ridiculed as a “hellish ethical quagmire” the likes of which have been unseen since World War II Germany or the Killing Fields of Cambodia. They argue that the extinction of the species is preferable to subjecting men and woman to that kind of mental anguish.

“The very notion of ‘domesticated zombies’ is laughable,” G. Andrew Romero, an amateur zombie expert invited to the conference, said. “If we really thought we could tame some of them, why wouldn’t we just tame all of them?”

Romero acknowledges that no reliable timetable exists for when the zombie apocalypse will begin, and that no zombie outbreaks have yet been reported. He does not, however,  allow this as an excuse for laxity in considering the zombie problem.

“I firmly believe that everyone in the world will agree that it is better to engage and answer the question of zombie population explosion sooner than later,” Romero said. “If we wait until it has actually happened, chances are it will be too late already.”