Rowling Announces Plans to Reboot Potter Movies

LONDON–After admitting that the Harry Potter movies were “not completely perfect, and not all in 3-D,” J.K. Rowling announced plans to reboot the entire franchise. Despite the fact that the most recent Potter movie, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2,”  is still in theaters and that the 8 films in the series have made roughly $20 billion, Rowling said, “It’s time to start over.”

“[Screenwriter] Steve Kloves and the directors gave a good effort this time around, but there were some things we missed,” Rowling said, “like S.P.E.W.”

Rowling assured fans the rebooted films will not “devolve into obsessive fanboy tinkering” the way George Lucas did with the re-released Star Wars movies. Instead, the new Potter movies will be entirely new, with an original cast, redesigned sets, and a new writer and director at the helm.  Also, in order to make sure nothing is left out, each book will be split into “two movies, or maybe three for the long ones. There’s a lot of stuff in those.”

Instead of the rotating roster of directors that gave an uneven character to the original Potter movies, one man will write and direct each of the new 14-20 movies. “We wanted M. Night Shyamalan at first, but he was busy,” Rowling said. “So instead, I am proud to announce the new visionary shepherding the Harry Potter franchise will be Lars Von Trier.”

Von Trier is a Danish auteur famous for establishing the Dogme movement and for creating ultra-explicit parables depicting the hopelessness of modern life and the futility of human achievement. He said in a statement, “I have accepted Ms. Rowling’s offer to bring to the screen her delightful stories of a Nietzchean iconoclast warlock who rails against the hegemonic kakistocracy typified by white men in flowing robes in order to inaugurate a new age of bourgeois nihilistic ennui. And, it will be nice to finally make a movie my kids can go see.”

Rowling expects the new “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Part 1” will be released “in 2013, or maybe earlier. Depends on when sales for the DVD box set of the first movies slow down.”


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6 Responses to “Rowling Announces Plans to Reboot Potter Movies”

  1. Persona Loy Says:

    Well I guess if LvT is finally at the helm, I might actually have to watch one of these. 🙂

  2. Eula Says:

    First of all it says what most movie industry insiders know.

    You are a victim to no one and no circumstance. However, for a
    Christmas treat, why not spoil yourself and take a Harry Potter walking

  3. t0715 Says:

    That is a very good tip especially to those fresh to the blogosphere.
    Simple but very accurate information… Thanks for sharing
    this one. A must read article!

  4. Morgan pearce Says:

    No this can not happen this director is Danish I have nothing against lars von trier but there is already is a new screenwriter at the helm his name is dirk van geest I morgan pearce will be the director it has to have a new orginal multi natinel cast and I have the right to do this I have signed on and jk rowling will sign on with me I need to speak to you

    • facesunveiled Says:

      All the best to you, Morgan, but I find it a little hard to believe that two people who don’t have IMDB pages are going to mount a full-scale HP reboot, to be honest.

      Also, do you know what satire is?

  5. Morgan pearce Says:

    We will have imdb pages this is a student film a first time student film we are spreading word around to nearly everyone we know I know it may seem unbelievable at first but I can assure you that it will be perfect

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