Abdul to star in Death Panel Reality Show

Washington, D.C.–The leak of an internal White House/NewsCorp memo has provided some resolution for one of the most controversial and divisive news stories of the summer: Paula Abdul’s decision not to return as a judge on Fox’s reality program “American Idol.”

According to the memo, Abdul, whose last hit single was nearly 15 years ago, has left “Idol” to become a celebrity judge on Fox’s upcoming reality show “Obsolete Grandparents? America Decides!” The title of the show is an homage to the classic Twilight Zone episode “The Obsolete Man,” in which citizens are forced to defend their continued existence before a totalitarian jury of their peers.

The show marks the beginning of what is expected to be an historic partnership between Fox and the United States Government. The inspiration for the show came from the much-publicized “death panel” provision in the health care reform bill currently being debated in congress and at numerous “town-hall” meetings across the country.

According to the memo, the contestants on “Obsolete Grandparents” will be selected from the pool of “unnecessary Americans,” most of whom will be senior citizens, created by the Obama health plan. The seniors selected to appear on the show will have the opportunity to defend the worth of their existence through a variety of talent showcases and trivia quizzes.

The show’s judges, the most famous of whom is Abdul, will then critique the seniors’ performances and give their official recommendations on whether the seniors in question deserve to live. The final decisions, though, will rest with a national phone-in vote by the American public similar to the format employed by “Idol” and “America’s Got Talent.”

“An integral component of socialism is the participation of every citizen in matters of government,” wrote White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel in a letter accompanying the memo, “and the “Obsolete Grandparents” show will give each American that responsibility.”

In a related story, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin had been in talks to serve as a judge on the show, but she dropped out when the actual purpose of the show was explained to her. According to an unnamed source within the Palin camp, she initially thought the show was to be an instructional program on “do-it-yourself taxidermy.”