WASHINGTON, DC—Staunch conservatives are reeling this morning following the resignation of Tea Party folk-hero and libertarian senator Andy Bosworth (R-IA). A tearful Bosworth announced his decision after a hidden camera caught him driving on Interstate 495, also known as “The Beltway.” Bosworth apologized to all of his fellow libertarians for using “the government-sponsored Socialist pipe-dream that is the federal highway system.”
“I’ve been so good for so long. That’s what makes this so hard to admit,” Bosworth said. “My kids all go to individually-funded private schools, I maintain a hydroponic marijuana crop in my basement, and I haven’t paid income taxes in over 30 years. But none of that matters now.
“I made a mistake. I knew it was wrong as soon as I hit that on-ramp, but I didn’t stop. I kept going, I obeyed the fascist traffic laws, and now I have to pay for this, myself, on my own, not with some handout.”
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